a favorite place

This is about to get deep, prepare yourselves. 

Two years ago, around this time, I was an emotional wreck. Literally a disaster. I'm not trying to toot a pity horn, I'm actually bravely admitting what an embarrassing mess I was. Indeed I was going through a very cliche, girl experience, and most are messes in this certain situation, but it still shocks me to look back on. 

During this time, I would break down in the middle of the day, have to leave class, couldn't study, blah blah blah. My sanctuary was biking to the park and journaling and crying to my mom(omg the things I wrote...). 

On one specific day, I was coming back down this path from journaling and crying. It was just before the sun was about to dodge behind the houses on 1st Ave. There were two litte girls and their mom, playing beneath these trees, as perfect little breezes were causing a little shower of the lovely white petals to fall around them. 

To this day I can perfectly see this scene in my mind. I kid you not, the most beautiful sense of peace I have ever felt, washed over me {getting a little teary just thinking about it}. I probably looked like a fool...I remember crying harder, putting my hands up to my face, laughing, smiling {i can't even imagine how freaked out the mom was - but i hope she has some intuition that i wasn't a creep, but really sad - it's a girl thing...right?}. I could have stayed there forever and watched. But apparently there wasn't a need because the memory is perfectly snug and just as powerful in my little head.

Through describing this probably 3 minute moment in my life, it amazes me that something that small can impact a person so big, like this moment impacted me. 

Guaranteed some people would think me crazy for describing this like I have.  But this just means that they haven't been aware of such a powerful moment. And I hope with all my heart that someday they would.

A few weeks ago, one of my favorite bloggers Meg posted this quote: 

“I actually attack the concept of happiness. I don’t mind people being happy - but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. It’s a really odd thing that we’re now seeing people saying 'write down 3 things that made you happy today before you go to sleep', and 'cheer up' and 'happiness is our birthright' and so on. We’re kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position - it’s rubbish. Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don’t teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say 'Quick! Move on! Cheer up!' I’d like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word 'happiness' and to replace it with the word 'wholeness'. Ask yourself 'is this contributing to my wholeness?' and if you’re having a bad day, it is.” 

Hugh Mackay, psychologist and social researcher

I was so surprised by all the feedback I got after re-posting the quote on Facebook. People liked it, commented, shared it, and told me in person that they could not believe how beautifully written it was. That they have always thought in this depth, but could never put it into words.

When I reflect on these months of deep sadness that I encountered, I don't wish them away. I don't want to forget them. I wish them a part in my history along with every other event in my life thus far. I tried to fight sadness for so long, but only later in time did I truly understand the importance and meaning of it. 

I mean really, sometimes a good cry is better than a bowl of fruity pebbles {which to clarify, is really, really great in my book}.