I am actually writing this post a few months after the election, and back dating the date drafted. I don't consider myself a political person. I have undefined opinions that are fluid and I have a naïve and basic understanding of topics. But if there's one thing I know, it's these thoughts that I quickly typed in my Iphone notes early on the morning after the election, they were true then and they are true now. It's days before the president elect is official and each day we get closer, the feeling that I could burst in to tears again becomes more and more likely. I waited to post my thoughts below thinking that some day they would seem too dramatic...any maybe it was just the emotions of the week that fired these feelings. But now looking in the future, they were so valid. So I want them documented somewhere. What I really want to do is shout to the world, I love all people, and I want you all to have the best life you can. I'm so sorry for your fear and my fear. Just please know I'm pulling for you and me and everyone. Love trumps hate. Always.
Onto the thoughts...
I woke this morning at 5am with puffy eyes. Checking my phone just in case it was different. Around 8pm, when the race was close I panicked and cried by myself on the couch. Not because I was certain of the results, but I was all ready heartbroken that this was real. That close to half the people in this country were supporting this man.
J came home and I couldn't flip my attitude. I am not political nor invested in banter; but I could not shake this one.
I mourned the feeling I had 4 years ago and 8 years ago, when I was so proud. How scary the last year has been with racial tension and how this election has vocally ripped the nation in half. How this was a joke in the beginning. A literal hilarious joke.
Around 9pm I gave up, I went to bed and shut the door, but silently listened to the TV and scrolled instagram, confused at how the TV was pouring out one set of results, when my feed and friends and strangers all pointed to her. How do I know less than 5 people close to me supporting him, yet THIS.
I cried just a little again. I feel asleep at some point. Around midnight J came back in. I laid silent for a long time deciding if I should ask him or just try and sleep again. It's funny to think about that silence now. So I said is it over and he said just about, there's a tiny chance but it's going to be him.
I have no idea how long I fought my mind with my body. I haven't tried that hard not to cry for a long time. I'm blaming it on PMS because I'm terrified at how hard my heart hurts. Did other people feel that too? Is the dread that real? Is it validated? Once I let some tears out, I cried for I'm not sure how long. It was a painful cry since I was trying so hard not to bawl. J just sat next to me, we didn't have words anymore.
In the past couple days before the election, I was nervous but confident. I would see support on the street, or read a bumper sticker, or the 1% on posts from my friends on social media. And then I would panic and look at all other sources to confirm, ok yeah so many people for her. Thank god.
I would have to check to make sure I wasn't crazy. And now it's 5:22am the day after and I just did that for close to 20 minutes. I scrolled, reading people's heartbreaking and relatable reactions. Just to make sure I'm not crazy.
We stayed like that for a long time. Me silently hard crying and twitching, J with has hand somewhere close . Then I thought about when J came home tonight after seeing his "little brother". How he had never gone into the house before. How he said the conditions were nothing like he imagined. How this sweet kid who's funny and honest and living this life as best he can, can come home every night to this normal. And how hard his parents try. And how they seem like good, such good people. That now it seems like the world is ready to shove down to the floor. There was trash everywhere. A huge storage tub of dirty water and what looked like cereal floating in it and when asked about it, the answer was that they had no sink so that's what they use water for.
And then I sat up and let it all out. Because I hope to god I don't see many changes that effect me through this shit because I'm selfish and blessed and entitled. But that fucker who is now supposed to lead our country has proven that he will never have empathy for people like this of the world. The single mom that is raising 4 kids in this household. This little boy that most of the country will now be fighting against because the person who represents our world on a superficial level is a racist entitled pig. This one tiny situation I have close to home. And it's so small. There's so much out there. I'm terrified for everyone. What have we done.
I can't believe it.
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